Fidelity fence #1

When my husband Ty and I were about to get engaged he initiated a little discussion that I have never forgotten.  We had been talking about spending the rest of our lives together…you know the gig, marriage.  He said to me,” I just want you to know something before I propose to you.  If we get married, divorce will never, ever, ever be an option…ever”.  It is one of those conversations you never forget…ever!  What he was communicating to me is that once we say “I do”, we are stuck with each other forever.  Marriage vows are not just something you recite, but a covenant you make before God and man.  Forever means forever.  That discussion led to a decision we both made.  We embraced a mindset of no turning back and that become our first and most important “fidelity fence”.   

You may not be consciously thinking divorce is an option but beware, it is the prevailing mindset of our culture.  It is not viewed how it once was.  When i was growing up.... several decades ago, darn it, i did not have one friend whose parents were divorced.  I did not know anyone who was divorced. 

We have gotten to the point where it is not shocking when we hear of another couple divorcing. It has sorta become... not so bad anymore.  An unconscious belief is dangerous.  You do not even realize that is is affecting your mindset and ultimately your decisions.  When Ty and I committed to divorce never being an option, we eliminated a whole train of thought.  We never joke or threaten about divorce, leaving, giving up... never!   No trap door menatality. 

If you cannot move out of your house when you are tired of it, you just start fixing it up.  Working to make it as good as it can be.  Now I am not simplifying that fact that many are struggling with very difficult marriages.  But, there is help out there and no one wins in a divorce...most of all the children. 

If you have never "driven a stake into the ground" that divorce will never be an option, it is never too late. 

In the past three months I learned of three more marriages that have unraveled or are in the process of unraveling.  With the news of each one, I felt physically sick.  These are all marriages of 15 years or longer.  I am not sure why the length seems significant to me.  A short marriage ending is no less tragic than a long one.  Maybe it’s just the idea that after 15 years you would hope they had figured it out.  It is like there has been this invisible corrosion happening that no one was tending to.  It never just happens “one day”.  It is a slow steady process of unraveling.  I am so saddened when I think of the pain and disappointment and even sadder when I think of the children affected.  It has been said the greatest gift you can give to your children is a healthy marriage.

 I can only speculate what the steps are in the process of a marriage unraveling.  As it has also been said, no one knows what really happens behind closed doors.  I want to suggest a policy of keeping the door open; knowing that none of us should trust ourselves to always do the right and honorable thing.  Could we open the door to discussion, accountability, evaluation and establishing fidelity fences?   In each of the above mentioned marriages a third person of “interest” has surfaced.

Here is how I imagine it happens.  Life begins to unfold and it becomes a full time job to keep up with the demands of everyday life.  There are job demands, bills to pay and kids to raise.  In many cases the marriage gets neglected.  It is sort of like planting a garden and never watering it or checking for the weeds that need pulled out.  Healthy, thriving gardens, like marriages, need tending to.  It is unrealistic to think that there will not be some weeds to deal with.  A relationship that was satisfying and fulfilling becomes challenging. 

In the lifetime of a marriage there are inevitably disappointments.  People have the tendency to bump one another.  This should not come as a surprise to any of us.  I mean really, are we expecting smooth sailing 24/7?  So “stuff” happens and we all deal with it.  The crucial thing is how we deal with it.  We can stuff it, endure it, resent it or accept the fact that we need to resolve our issues continually.   If we do not, our disappointment begins to fester and this festering will corrupt our ability to think straight.  We then begin to wonder why we married this person, believe maybe life would be better without our spouse, and even deceive ourselves into believing that we made a mistake and that we deserve to be happier. 

This dangerous mindset then opens a door that should never be opened.  The door is marked, “what if”.  What then ensues is a journey down a very dangerous road.  A road that is full of self pity, rationalizing and ultimately compromise.  Once on this road, there are many marriage detours waiting for us to take.  I am not saying this is a proven statistic, but I suggest that 9 times out of 10 a "third party of interest "appears on the road and the mindset we have allowed deals a deadly blow to our marriages.

In my next several blogs, I want to sugggest some "fidelity fences" in an effort to safegaurd your marriages.  Stay tuned.....

If you stopped by for a cup of tea or coffee today I would share with you something I read this morning.

Learning to love unselfishly is not an easy task.  It runs counter to our self-centered nature.  An important part of life is learning to love.  Life minus love equals zero.  Love leaves a legacy.  As Mother Teresa said, "It's not what you do, but how much love you put into it that matters."  You can give without loving but you cannot love with giving.  Love means giving up--yielding my preferences, comfort, goals, security, money, energy or time for the benefit of someone else.  WOW, sounds like a mother to me!!  I was so challenged when I read this.  I needed to be reminded how powerful love is!!

some favorite things

I want to share with you some favorite things.... the beach, sunrise, wildlife and photography.  On a recent trip to the beach I had fun taking pictures with my new camera. I am a total amateur but i was pretty pleased with these photos.

bird on the beach

another bird on beach

yet another bird

sunrise in ft. lauderdale

sunrise at the beach

a sky only God could create!!

just call me nonnie

In less than a month, I will become a grandma. I have decided to be called "nonnie". The name is endearing to me because that is what my mother was called by our children. I will now carry on the name "nonnie" and not only be thrilled when I hear my grandchildren call me that, but also know that I am carrying on a tradition that started a generation ago in my family. I never knew my mom's mother, who I was named after. She was Teresa and I am Theresa. I am not sure why my mom changed the spelling when she named me. My grandmother died when my mom was 18 years old. She never got to be a grandmother. Without exception, every person I know who is a grandparent says it is the most wonderful experience in all the world. I can hardly wait. I am counting down the days to when the phone rings and Emily calls to say her labor has begun. I will hang up the phone, book my flight and head to California to meet my grandson.  26 years ago I gave birth to Emily in California. Hard to believe....my baby is having a baby. I like to think of him as our baby. I always taught Emily that she had to share her belongings. Hope she remembers her manners and will share her son with his nonnie. I take claim to him. My grandson. I love how that sounds. Oh, I mean our grandson... I need to share him too!!

Emily at 37 Weeks

Stay tuned... I will be bragging soon and boring you with a multitude of photos of THE most beautiful baby boy in all the world!!

i celebrate my husband

My hubby Ty just celebrated his 51st birthday this week.  He loves his birthday like no one else I know.  We always celebrate with a dinner party with our kindred spirit friends and eat and laugh together.  It is so important to us to celebrate life as often as we can.  Celebrate our family, celebrate our friends, celebrate our marriage.  Just celebrate.

Ty had a major accomplishment this past year, and I am so very proud of him.  He wrote his first book.  It was several years in coming, starting with the desire to document the journey of starting The Hope Center for Kids. (www.hopecenterforkids.com ) It is a 15-20 year story beginning with God breaking his heart for inner city youth and children.  It has been a wonderful, challenging, exhilerating and sometime heartbreaking journey.  So this past year, "A Thousand Screaming Mules"(www.AThousandScreamingMules.com)  was published.  I am so proud of my husband.  I had no idea how much work it is to write a book.  He labored for months to get it written and then many more months to get it published.  The story of The Hope Center for Kids has been documented and Ty is now officially an author.  He found out through this process that he loves to write and hopes to write more books in the future.  Imagine that, at the age of 50 discovering a whole new passion to pursue.  You go Ty!!!

So today I celebrate my husband, the birthday boy writer.  Can't wait to read his next book!!!

they have all relaunched