In the past three months I learned of three more marriages that have unraveled or are in the process of unraveling.  With the news of each one, I felt physically sick.  These are all marriages of 15 years or longer.  I am not sure why the length seems significant to me.  A short marriage ending is no less tragic than a long one.  Maybe it’s just the idea that after 15 years you would hope they had figured it out.  It is like there has been this invisible corrosion happening that no one was tending to.  It never just happens “one day”.  It is a slow steady process of unraveling.  I am so saddened when I think of the pain and disappointment and even sadder when I think of the children affected.  It has been said the greatest gift you can give to your children is a healthy marriage.

 I can only speculate what the steps are in the process of a marriage unraveling.  As it has also been said, no one knows what really happens behind closed doors.  I want to suggest a policy of keeping the door open; knowing that none of us should trust ourselves to always do the right and honorable thing.  Could we open the door to discussion, accountability, evaluation and establishing fidelity fences?   In each of the above mentioned marriages a third person of “interest” has surfaced.

Here is how I imagine it happens.  Life begins to unfold and it becomes a full time job to keep up with the demands of everyday life.  There are job demands, bills to pay and kids to raise.  In many cases the marriage gets neglected.  It is sort of like planting a garden and never watering it or checking for the weeds that need pulled out.  Healthy, thriving gardens, like marriages, need tending to.  It is unrealistic to think that there will not be some weeds to deal with.  A relationship that was satisfying and fulfilling becomes challenging. 

In the lifetime of a marriage there are inevitably disappointments.  People have the tendency to bump one another.  This should not come as a surprise to any of us.  I mean really, are we expecting smooth sailing 24/7?  So “stuff” happens and we all deal with it.  The crucial thing is how we deal with it.  We can stuff it, endure it, resent it or accept the fact that we need to resolve our issues continually.   If we do not, our disappointment begins to fester and this festering will corrupt our ability to think straight.  We then begin to wonder why we married this person, believe maybe life would be better without our spouse, and even deceive ourselves into believing that we made a mistake and that we deserve to be happier. 

This dangerous mindset then opens a door that should never be opened.  The door is marked, “what if”.  What then ensues is a journey down a very dangerous road.  A road that is full of self pity, rationalizing and ultimately compromise.  Once on this road, there are many marriage detours waiting for us to take.  I am not saying this is a proven statistic, but I suggest that 9 times out of 10 a "third party of interest "appears on the road and the mindset we have allowed deals a deadly blow to our marriages.

In my next several blogs, I want to sugggest some "fidelity fences" in an effort to safegaurd your marriages.  Stay tuned.....