the power of a hug

Have you ever gone to shake a person’s hand that you are meeting and they come at you with a hug?  If that has happened and been an awkward moment for you, let me apologize.  I am THAT HUGGING PERSON!!   I am what you call a hugger.  I have been a hugger for a long time now.  Some of the explanation for this is the family I grew up in.  I am half Italian, half Lebanese and hugging is a family trait for us.  My Lebanese father even takes it one step farther and usually kisses everyone he meets, sometimes on the lips!  It does not even occur to him that he should not do this.  It is funny to watch the recipient’s responses.  So… all that to say, I get it honestly.

my italian mamma and lebanese father

My theory is this, the world needs more hugs.  A hug is an expression of love and there can never be enough of that!   I think an additional motivation for me is my mother’s heart.  I love to mother and nurture others.  When I meet a young person, anyone below let’s say 30, I especially want to hug them in case they did not have a loving, nurturing mother.  I have met so many young adults in the past 10 years who have not had the blessing of a loving mother.  When you have had that, which I did, you are able to pay it forward to your children.  If you did not get it from your mother, I believe that God will put “other mothers” in your life to fill that gap.  So, that is me, the “other mother”, hugging my way through all my introductions. 

This week I am in Redding, CA with my daughter Emily and son in law Paul and my son Turner.  I came for the birth of my first grandchild, Theo.   I have met many new young folks this week from all over the world.  Many have extended their hand to shake mine when we have met.  I have “gone in” right past the extended hands, for a hug.  It is funny to see the various responses.  Some enthusiastically accept my hugs while others simply endure them.  Either way, I am fine with that.  Their response does not deter me in the least.  I know the good that can come from a warm hug from “another mother”. 

These folks all have two things in common.  They held my grandson, and were hugged by me!!!

Just imagine how many times I will hug Theo.  Maybe I will count!!!

When I woke up today I felt overwhelmed with gratitude.  On Monday Theo Judah Lanphier was born.  I will be eternally grateful to Emily and Paul for the most amazing gift that has ever been given to me.  They allowed me to be a part of a sacred, intimate day in their lives, the birth of their first born son.  Words could never capture the emotions of that moment.   It was a day that I will remember and reflect on for the rest of my life. 

baby theo

Seeing a new life enter the world is nothing short of a holy experience.  All of life stops and a new life begins.  Add to that the fact that this new life is blood connected to you and the first member of the next generation and you have yourself a once in a lifetime moment.  To see Emily and Paul become parents was awesome.  The looks on their faces was priceless.  They allowed their brother, my son, Turner to witness Theo’s birth as well.  He said it was THE MOST Wonderful day of his life.  He was speechless.  I had to remind him to keep taking pictures, his designated job!!  How can someone so tiny make such a huge impact?  We have entered a new stage of life...the life of grandparenthood.  Every grandparent I know, without exception, has told us it is one of the greatest joys in all of life.  So far I completely agree.

the proud parents

i am in love

Fidelity Fence #3

 more thoughts about fidelity fences for a healthy marriage...

 
Here are some things that we do not do:

Have lunch with someone of the opposite sex, unless it is your brother, dad, son.... you get the idea
Travel for business with someone of the opposite sex unless... you know the rest
Confide in someone of the opposite sex about our marriage problems, or anything for that matter
Go to class reunions without our spouse... we've all heard the stories
Look up an old flame on facebook...really????

I hate legalism, but this is one area I am willing to be legalistic in!!!

I'd take these guys to lunch any day!!!

or these

Fidelity Fence #2

non-stagnant policy...
what are you doing to keep your marriage fresh and alive?
when is the last time you told your husband something you appreciate about him?
when is the last time you flirted with your husband?
what is the last book you read to recharge your marriage batteries?
when is the last time you bragged about your husband, not behind his back?

did i mention ty wrote a book last year... I am so proud of him!!!  He's the MAN!!!

Fidelity fence #1

When my husband Ty and I were about to get engaged he initiated a little discussion that I have never forgotten.  We had been talking about spending the rest of our lives together…you know the gig, marriage.  He said to me,” I just want you to know something before I propose to you.  If we get married, divorce will never, ever, ever be an option…ever”.  It is one of those conversations you never forget…ever!  What he was communicating to me is that once we say “I do”, we are stuck with each other forever.  Marriage vows are not just something you recite, but a covenant you make before God and man.  Forever means forever.  That discussion led to a decision we both made.  We embraced a mindset of no turning back and that become our first and most important “fidelity fence”.   

You may not be consciously thinking divorce is an option but beware, it is the prevailing mindset of our culture.  It is not viewed how it once was.  When i was growing up.... several decades ago, darn it, i did not have one friend whose parents were divorced.  I did not know anyone who was divorced. 

We have gotten to the point where it is not shocking when we hear of another couple divorcing. It has sorta become... not so bad anymore.  An unconscious belief is dangerous.  You do not even realize that is is affecting your mindset and ultimately your decisions.  When Ty and I committed to divorce never being an option, we eliminated a whole train of thought.  We never joke or threaten about divorce, leaving, giving up... never!   No trap door menatality. 

If you cannot move out of your house when you are tired of it, you just start fixing it up.  Working to make it as good as it can be.  Now I am not simplifying that fact that many are struggling with very difficult marriages.  But, there is help out there and no one wins in a divorce...most of all the children. 

If you have never "driven a stake into the ground" that divorce will never be an option, it is never too late. 

In the past three months I learned of three more marriages that have unraveled or are in the process of unraveling.  With the news of each one, I felt physically sick.  These are all marriages of 15 years or longer.  I am not sure why the length seems significant to me.  A short marriage ending is no less tragic than a long one.  Maybe it’s just the idea that after 15 years you would hope they had figured it out.  It is like there has been this invisible corrosion happening that no one was tending to.  It never just happens “one day”.  It is a slow steady process of unraveling.  I am so saddened when I think of the pain and disappointment and even sadder when I think of the children affected.  It has been said the greatest gift you can give to your children is a healthy marriage.

 I can only speculate what the steps are in the process of a marriage unraveling.  As it has also been said, no one knows what really happens behind closed doors.  I want to suggest a policy of keeping the door open; knowing that none of us should trust ourselves to always do the right and honorable thing.  Could we open the door to discussion, accountability, evaluation and establishing fidelity fences?   In each of the above mentioned marriages a third person of “interest” has surfaced.

Here is how I imagine it happens.  Life begins to unfold and it becomes a full time job to keep up with the demands of everyday life.  There are job demands, bills to pay and kids to raise.  In many cases the marriage gets neglected.  It is sort of like planting a garden and never watering it or checking for the weeds that need pulled out.  Healthy, thriving gardens, like marriages, need tending to.  It is unrealistic to think that there will not be some weeds to deal with.  A relationship that was satisfying and fulfilling becomes challenging. 

In the lifetime of a marriage there are inevitably disappointments.  People have the tendency to bump one another.  This should not come as a surprise to any of us.  I mean really, are we expecting smooth sailing 24/7?  So “stuff” happens and we all deal with it.  The crucial thing is how we deal with it.  We can stuff it, endure it, resent it or accept the fact that we need to resolve our issues continually.   If we do not, our disappointment begins to fester and this festering will corrupt our ability to think straight.  We then begin to wonder why we married this person, believe maybe life would be better without our spouse, and even deceive ourselves into believing that we made a mistake and that we deserve to be happier. 

This dangerous mindset then opens a door that should never be opened.  The door is marked, “what if”.  What then ensues is a journey down a very dangerous road.  A road that is full of self pity, rationalizing and ultimately compromise.  Once on this road, there are many marriage detours waiting for us to take.  I am not saying this is a proven statistic, but I suggest that 9 times out of 10 a "third party of interest "appears on the road and the mindset we have allowed deals a deadly blow to our marriages.

In my next several blogs, I want to sugggest some "fidelity fences" in an effort to safegaurd your marriages.  Stay tuned.....